


Trade Your Heart for Bones

by HPsmartone32



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Background Wolfstar, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, but there's an actual PLOT in this one CAN U BELIEVE IT, hella angsty jily because i was in a Mood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-03 17:40:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13346220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPsmartone32/pseuds/HPsmartone32
Summary: Couldn’t he have this one thing – Lily, safe and warm in his arms – couldn’t he just have that in this shitty world where people are persecuted for existing?





	1. part i. resolution

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song Come Back Home by Lauv
> 
> hello, all. this is a story that came about by:  
> me: what's a pairing i could write a really sad, angsty story about because i feel like making myself cry  
> my sister: jily  
> me: done
> 
> the warning/rating is for descriptions of violence consistent with war, but specifically blood, death, dark magic spells, terrible shit death eaters do, etc. it's not that much more graphic than the canon novels though, i don't think, i just wanted to warn everyone ahead of time because it's more graphic than anything i've put on here so far.

**_part i. resolution_ **

 

 

He resolved to do it every time he encountered one of them on a mission for the Order.

 

 _“How’s that mudblood of yours doing, Potter?”_ a Death Eater would taunt him from behind their mask, ducking under the spells he sent that way.

 

The comment always had the desired effect. James would hesitate, just for a second, just long enough to evoke a laugh, a spell he had to dodge, and a _“You better tell her to watch her back. We can’t let her sully one of our oldest pureblood families, can we?”_

 

And then, in the second that it took for him the choke down the paralyzing fear and fill with rage, they’d disapparate. James would stare at the spot they had vanished from, chest impossibly tight, as he tried to stop from panicking.

 

The Death Eaters knew his weakness. They poked at it every time they saw him.

 

He could handle the spells, the explosions, the uncertainty of what he’d find when he was sent to a house with a Dark Mark cast above it, but if anything happened to Lily… _no._

He refused to let his mind go there. Nothing could happen to Lily. _Especially_ nothing could happen to her because of him, because he was _pureblood_ and these monsters pretended like that meant something.

 

When the Death Eaters disapparated away and the structure was cleared and Sirius came over to lay a hand on his shoulder, asking _“You alright?”_ James would nod.

 

But he never was; he hadn’t been properly ‘alright’ since he was just out of Hogwarts and entering Oblivator training without knowing how compromised the Ministry was, without having heard of the Order of the Phoenix. He hadn’t been ‘alright’ since his girlfriend – his fiercely intelligent, his top-of-their-class girlfriend – was sacked from her position during her third week as an Auror trainee. The previous department head had been killed by Death Eaters and the new one decided that Lily Evans _wasn’t what the Auror program needed right now_. Emmeline Vance, in her very last year of training, and Mary MacDonald were also _not what the program needed._

 

(Not coincidentally, they were also muggle-born.)

 

Dumbledore had visited them that night, when the Marauders and girls were all around at James’ rickety flat. That’s how the lot of them heard about the Order of the Phoenix. That one conversation was first that made James see what he would soon witness over and over again: Lily would be safer if she weren’t with him.

 

If anyone asked, Lily still lived at her parents’ house in their nice muggle neighborhood with their nice muggle friends and their strong magical protection spells – even if she sometimes wouldn’t return for weeks on end. If James ended things, she would go back and live with them. She wouldn’t be as exposed to the magical world if she were living at home. Moreover, she wouldn’t have a target on her back from dating a bloke whose pureblood ancestry can be traced back to times before time was kept. _She’d be safer._

 

But then… well, then he’d return to headquarters, tired and covered in sweat, dust, and blood. Lily would be there, biting her nails raw with worry because Dumbledore didn’t like for couples to fight side-by-side. She’d jump up the second the door opened, knowing it was him before it was reasonably possible for her to know, and she’d _run_. She’d crash into him before he was through the door, her hair in his face and her arms tight around his neck.

 

And James’ heart, the traitorous thing that it was, would leap from his chest and into her arms as if it couldn’t wait any longer to get back to where it belonged.

 

 _“You’re safe, you’re here, you’re okay, I love you,”_ she’d say every time, all in one breath, right into his ear.

  
James would bring his hands to her face and kiss every inch of it that he could until she smiled and pressed close and kissed him properly.

 

 _“I love you_ ,” she’d repeat.

 

 _“I love you more,”_ he’d tell her.

 

His body felt _right_ when it was next to hers, like he had been spinning and spinning and spinning and then she touched him and the world was right again. Life made more sense when Lily Evans held him. He knew everything would work out in the end when Lily’s lips met his: how can _that feeling_ exist in a world where evil triumphs over good?

 

So, they’d go back to his flat and later, while she slept stretched out on top of him, safe and warm in his arms, he’d lie awake and wonder if he was doing the right thing. Couldn’t he have this one thing – Lily, safe and warm in his arms – couldn’t he just have that in this shitty world where people are persecuted for existing?

 

 

 

 

The day his resolution finally stuck was an especially terrible one.

 

“You alright?” Sirius clapped a hand on James’ shoulder as the latter stared down the hallway. A tuft of ginger hair peaked out from around the corner, the freckled face it was attached to staring lifelessly up at the ceiling.

 

Blood spattered the walls, carpet, and ceiling around the body of Fabian Prewett, filling the air with a rich coppery smell that James had become too used to over the past six months.

 

“No,” James replied this time, reaching up to take off his glasses with one hand and run the other over his face.

 

“Me neither,” Sirius said, voice shaking, words visible as smoke in the cold January air.

 

 

The three of them had responded to a call Dumbledore intercepted to the muggle emergency phone line. They’d arrived on the outskirts of the property just in time to see the Dark Mark sent into the air, a bad sign. A fresh Mark meant the victims were likely dead, but the Death Eaters still around. They entered the house at a sprint, Fabian first, then James, then Sirius – an order arranged by nothing but luck.

 

As he had crossed the threshold into the house, James quickly looked behind him to make sure Sirius was close behind. He had just turned back around when Fabian was hit with a spell so brutal it nearly cut him in half at the waist. James had thrown out his arm to stop Sirius and they skidded to a halt as the Death Eaters stepped over Fabian’s body.

 

There were two of them.

 

The first had taken a look at James, Sirius, their raised wands. He’d laughed, _“Now you know what awaits your mudblood girlfriend if we ever catch up to her, Potter.”_

_“It’s not here, let’s go,”_ said the other one – Bellatrix Lestrange, they’d realized. _"Toujours Pur.”_ And with that, they disapparated away with a _crack._

 

James’ and Sirius’ spells hit the wall behind where they’d been a second before.

 

 

“You two need to get back and give reports,” grunted a voice behind them, pulling James out of the fog of _what could I have done differently?_ Sirius and James turned to see Mad Eye Moody in the doorway, three other Order members pushing past him to get to the body.

 

The clean-up crew.

 

“But –” Sirius started, looking at James and then down the hall at Fabian.

 

“You know the rules,” said Moody, not unkindly.

 

James looked back down at his friend. That could have been Sirius. That could have been… the ginger hair, the freckles – quite suddenly it wasn’t Fabian down the hall, it was Lily. James sucked in a breath. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sirius shoot him a sharp look.

 

“Right,” Sirius said, still watching James. “Let’s get going, Prongs,” Sirius put a hand on James’ back gave him a gentle push.

 

 

 

Lily wasn’t at headquarters when they pushed through the door. They found Peter and Emmeline in the dining room, notes and maps spread across the large table.

 

Emmeline looked up at them, “Gideon’s dead too,” she said without preamble. James felt his insides go cold. “Three of them got him in their house, not long after you lot went to check on that call. Cut him to pieces.”

 

Sirius swore and fell heavily into a chair. “How’d they know where they lived?”

 

Emmeline huffed angrily, “No clue, someone must have let it slip to the wrong person.”

 

“Where’s –” James managed to start, looking from Emmeline to Peter.

 

“Lily and Remus volunteered to notify the family,” Peter said, looking pained at the thought.

 

It surprised neither James nor Sirius that their partners would do this.

 

The ache in James’ chest was threatening to force him into hyperventilation. He’d never been so frightened in his life. He’d seen a skilled wizard sliced through with a single spell, and somehow the Death Eaters had managed to kill his twin on the same night. However, the thing that scared the living shit out of him was the threat made against Lily. The probability that it was real, that they meant it, that they’d find her and –

 

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t be around anyone, he needed to leave.

 

“Tell Dumbledore I’ll come in tomorrow and write my report, I got to go,” James said, his voice soft and shaky. He couldn’t force the right amount of air through his vocal chords, he couldn’t force the right amount of air into his lungs.

 

“James, are you –”

 

“No, I gotta go,” James said, feeling like his entire body was shaking.

 

“Mate, I’m not going to let you just –” Sirius started hotly, standing from his seat.

 

“Let me,” James said, both demanding and pleading at once. Sirius looked at him for a long moment. Finally, he nodded once.

 

 

 

His flat was dark and quiet when he stepped out of the fireplace. He waved his wand to turn on the lamps and sunk onto the sofa, his head in his hands.

 

 _It’s the sound_ , James thought miserably.

 

In the silence of his flat, he couldn’t get the sound of that spell cutting through flesh and bone out of his mind. Behind his eyelids, Fabian fell over and over again.

 

_“Now you know what awaits your mudblood girlfriend if we ever catch up to her, Potter.”_

And then Lily was sliced open again and again and James gave into the hyperventilation, gave into the burning behind his eyes.

 

 

 

James had been staring at the ceiling in his living room for a long time when he heard the fireplace roar to life. He didn’t look up. His eyes were sore and raw and the rest of his body was exhausted and determined. He knew that he was about to do one of the hardest things he’d ever done.

 

“James?”

 

Her voice alone almost broke him then. He felt his resolve crack and he closed his eyes. In his mind, Lily’s blood decorated the wallpaper of that muggle house again.

 

“James,” Lily said again, her tone different now, softer. James looked up as she crossed living room and fell onto the couch beside him. She took his hand in hers and searched his face as he did the same.

 

Her eyes and her nose were red. Her cheeks were blotchy. Her eyes shone so green that James couldn’t believe she was real.

 

“You’re safe, you’re here, you’re okay, I love you,” she said quietly, laying the side of her head against the back of the couch.

 

James swallowed hard.

 

 _I love you more,_ he thought.

 

“I can’t do this anymore, Lily,” he said instead. He was surprised by how steady his voice came out.

 

She nodded, “I know,” she said. “I know it’s hard; it’s the worst. It fucking sucks, James. And you don’t have to, if you don’t want to. Talk to Dumbledore I’m sure he’ll –”

 

“No,” James cut across her. “That’s not what I mean.” His heart was pounding, his mind was screaming at him to shut the fuck up and gather Lily in his arms and hold her until he felt whole again. He shifted so that he was facing her properly, “I don’t think we should be together anymore.”

 

Lily lifted her head, her eyebrows twitched down, “What are you talking about?” she asked him breathlessly.

 

He felt like he’d been punched in the chest. His entire body was shrieking at him to stop, but he _had to_ keep going. He would not let Bellatrix Lestrange slice Lily in half for being with him. He _wouldn’t_.

 

“Tonight, running into that house, watching what happened - it made me realize that life’s too short to do things because we feel like we have to,” James heard himself say the words he’d come up over the past hour as if someone else were repeating them using his mouth. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and this isn’t what I want.”

 

Lily sat up, pulling away from him, his hand dropped from the warmth of hers, “You –” she started, but seemed to choke on the word. James felt as if a hundred white-hot wand tips were burning holes into his chest at the sound. Lily swallowed, “You’ve only been with me because you feel like you have to?”

 

Nope. Fuck this, fuck everything, nothing mattered as long as Lily stopped looking at him like that. Stopped questioning his love for her. He couldn’t do it.

 

He closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. Lily-in-his-mind grinned at him as a beam of green light rushed toward her.

 

“Yes,” James opened his eyes and forced the word out. There was a burning behind his eyes now.

 

Lily stared at him, her eyes dry but her breath shaking with every inhale. Her hair was falling out of her ponytail, framing her face. It was pale now, paler than it had been when she got home, and it made the redness around her eyes and cheeks stand out.

 

James barely resisted wrapping his arms around her.

 

“I don’t believe you,” she said, the words coming out small but insistent. As she said it, he saw her eyes glisten and he abruptly stood up and strode away from her. He knew that he couldn’t be near her when she was upset and resist the urge to comfort her.

 

Some part of him wanted, absurdly, to grin. _Good,_ that part of his mind said. _She knows that you love her, knows that this is utter bullshit_.

 

James folded that part of his mind away.

 

He ran a hand through his hair before turning back to face her, “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

 

She wiped furiously at her eyes, then crossed her arms protectively over her chest, “I don’t believe you,” she repeated. “You love me, James Potter. If you don’t, you’re going to have to say it to me, right here, right now.”

 

_Yes! Yes, I do!  I love you with every cell in my body, Lily Evans._

 

“The only reason I didn’t do this sooner was because I felt bad for chasing after you all those years,” James said it very convincingly considering he was lying through his damn teeth.

 

Lily looked like he’d smacked her, “You love me, James.” She sounded unsure this time and it cracked fissure lines into his heart. “You love me _more_.” Her voice broke on the last word, not quite a sob but close to one, and a tear finally raced down her cheek.

 

James had been placed under the cruciatus curse on a mission once, and that was less painful than this. James hadn’t known that anything _could_ hurt this badly.

 

Still, he forced himself to tell the biggest lie he’d ever told, “I don’t.”

 

Lily stared at him, tears now falling in earnest.

 

When he physically could not stand it any longer, James looked away, wiping at his own eyes.

 

He heard the couch creak as Lily stood. He looked back in time to see her walk past him, grab a handful of floo powder and toss it into the dying fire.

 

She didn’t look back at him as she said her destination. James assumed she’d gone back to her parents’ house, but he couldn’t hear anything but the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears. Lily began to spin, and then, suddenly, she was gone.

 

Minutes after she vanished, James tumbled out of a fireplace across town. Remus looked up from the _Evening Prophet_ and Sirius lazily turned his head in Remus’ lap before jumping to his feet.

 

“James!” Sirius rushed over and slid to his knees. “What happened? Are you hurt?”

 

Remus’ eyes flickered to the fireplace, which had turned back to its normal color, before settling on James.

 

James attempted to say something, but couldn’t form anything but horrible, disjointed syllables. He was truly and properly hyperventilating now, and he couldn’t even be bothered to care. He didn’t care about anything, except that Lily was gone.

 

“Where’s Lily?” Remus asked, falling to the floor beside Sirius and James. “She flooed home from the headquarters right before I did.”

 

Sirius looked at Remus, then back at James, and, if he’d been paying attention, James could have seen the exact moment when all of the pieces lined up Sirius’ mind. He groaned, “Goddamnit, Prongs. You broke up with her, didn’t you?”

 

Remus snapped his eyes to Sirius, “ _What?_ ”

 

James managed to nod, “Safer… without me.”

 

“You fucking idiot,” Remus said, emphatically.

 

“Not helpful, Moony,” Sirius muttered as he helped James up and onto the couch. “Accurate, but not bloody helpful.”


	2. part ii. comprehension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~

**_part ii. comprehension_ **

 

 

Slimy.

 

Slimy and … wet?

 

Slimy and wet and _familiar_ … “For fucks sake,” James jerked into a sitting position, nearly falling off the couch. He wiped furiously at the side of his face, now covered in dog slobber. “You know I hate it when you do that! Who knows where that tongue has been?”

 

“Moony does,” he heard Peter’s voice supply helpfully from across the room. He heard a muffled thump followed by, “ _Ow._ ”

 

“Wormtail?” James asked blearily, looking around at his blurry surroundings. His head was pounding, his throat dry, and his eyes felt heavy and raw. “Where are my glasses? What –”

 

It hit him with the force of a bludger.

 

He was at Sirius and Remus’ flat.

 

He’d come here after he’d ended things with Lily.

 

James didn’t remember how or when he fell asleep last night, and he was sure he hadn’t had any nightmares. In fact, the last thing he remembered was Sirius making them tea…

 

“Did you drug me?” he asked as a blurry bit of flesh handed him his glasses. He put them on and saw that Sirius was human again.

 

“Dreamless Sleep,” Sirius nodded. “Had to, mate.”

 

James didn’t fight him on the issue. He leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes again. He’d never felt quite this shitty before. It was most similar to a hangover, he supposed, what with the nausea and headache, but a hundred times worse. His eyes were achy, his nose clogged, and he felt like he’d never be cheerful again. Scratch that, he _knew_ he’d never be cheerful again.

 

“No, no,” Sirius said grabbing his arm. “Up you get, you have to go to work.”

 

James opened his eyes, “Where?” he asked blankly, as if he’d never heard of the place before.

 

“It’s Monday.”

 

Of fucking course it was. James groaned, letting his head fall back and his eyes shut again.

 

“I’m skiving.”

 

“You are not,” he heard Remus tell him from somewhere behind the couch. “The attacks from last night aren’t in _Prophet_ , but it’s safe to assume the Ministry Higher-Ups have heard all about them. The Ministry already suspects that you’re too close to Dumbledore; if you don’t show up today it’ll look suspicious.”

 

“I don’t care,” James said childishly. Couldn’t they see that he just wanted to be left alone? To crawl into a nice hole somewhere and wait until his physical and mental states were about fifty times better than they were at present.

 

“You don’t care?” Sirius repeated, an edge to his voice. “Great, I’ll just owl the Prewetts and tell them that the cause that their sons died fighting for isn’t of great importance then, shall I?”

 

James felt the words like a punch to the gut.

 

“Sirius,” Remus warned from behind James.

 

James took a deep breath and opened his eyes to look at him. Sirius stared back, unforgiving, “No, he’s right,” James admitted. Sirius offered him a hand and James allowed himself to be pulled off the couch. “What time is it?”

 

“Eight-thirty.”

 

“Shit, I’ve got to get home and –” he broke off, imagining walking into his apartment and knowing that it’d be empty. Knowing that it would always be empty from now on.

 

“Peter stopped by yours and grabbed some robes,” Sirius read James’ expression.

 

James looked around and Peter grinned a pained-looking-grin at him from the table.

 

“Thanks,” James said, grateful for these three prats and the way they knew what he needed.

 

“Go shower, you tasted terrible,” Sirius shoved towards his bathroom.

 

“Gross,” James whined.

 

Sirius scoffed, “Well, Re–”

 

“I swear to Merlin, Sirius, if you finish that sentence I will hex you into next week,” Remus cut across him loudly. Peter burst into laughter. Sirius smirked.

 

James felt a fraction less miserable, which was a major achievement.

 

 

 

James fell into the chair in front of his parchment-littered desk at precisely 9:11 am, late for the first time since he started his training. Sure, he’d pushed up against 9 am before, maybe even _technically_ come in a few seconds after the clock ticked nine, but usually James rolled in well before he was required to be there.

 

Bill Bones, James’ direct superior who therefore shared a cubicle space with him, spun in his chair and looked over the younger man. James noticed that Bones looked like he hadn’t slept in ages, per usual.

 

Considering he had three kids, one still at Hogwarts and two in the Order of the Phoenix, James couldn’t entirely blame him for not sleeping well these days. Bones knew about the Order only in the sense that it existed and was part of the resistance. While he stood solidly against Voldemort, he devoted his energy to his job as an Obliviator and the raising of his youngest son, who was only fifteen.

 

“You look like shit,” Bones commented.

 

“Looked in a mirror lately, old man?”

 

Bones let out a laugh and James forced himself to smile. He liked Bones. He was kind, whip-smart, and had a good sense of humor. He didn’t pull rank on James when he didn’t need to, and he didn’t ask questions about the Order’s business that would put James in a tight spot if he answered them and an awkward spot if he didn’t. James even liked his kids – Edgar was a laugh to be on stakeouts with and though Amelia was a bit uptight, she got along swimmingly with Remus.

 

“Alright?” Bones asked after a beat, scrutinizing him.

 

James knew that, while the shower had helped, his eyes were still swollen and heavy. He couldn’t quite bring himself to be embarrassed about it.

 

“I will be,” James said, more to convince himself than Bones.

 

“Good,” Bones nodded. “Don’t be late again, Potter. Scared the shit out of me, you hear?”

 

James offered him a real grin, touched that Bones cared enough about him to be worried when he hadn’t turned up. “Yes, Sir.”

 

Bones turned back to his desk, and James did the same, asking, “What do we have today?”

 

“ _We_ don’t have anything until _you_ finish the paperwork from last Friday, Sleekeazy.”

 

James groaned, wiping roughly at his eyes under his glasses, “I hate it when you call me that.”

 

“I hate it when you don’t turn in your paperwork before you leave for the weekend, but here we are.”

 

James shuffled through the papers on his desk sullenly, wishing more every moment that he _had_ skived off work today.

 

 

The rest of the day passed without incident. None of the Obliviators were called away on urgent business, and James and Bones’ cases were nearly wrapped up so they hadn’t needed to go into the field. For the first time, James hadn’t been perched on the edge of his seat with a nervous sort of energy all day. Usually he was torn between wanting to get out and _do something_ and knowing that anything he’d be sent to deal with would likely have a high body count. Today, he sat hunched over in his chair and filled out paperwork without any complaints – a peculiarity that Bones remarked on more than once.

 

When the next shift of Obliviators arrived at five, James walked out with Bones, thanking Merlin he wasn’t assigned to cover a night shift for a while.

 

“Get some rest tonight, Potter,” Bones told him as they neared the fireplaces. “I don’t want you dead on your feet if we get called out. I have a feeling about tomorrow.”

 

James’ heartrate sped up. Bones’ feelings were notoriously ominous. In the nearly seven months that James had been working with him, Bones had been three for three. He nodded.

 

Bones looked around and, finding them mostly alone, lowered his voice, “Don’t let them run you down, okay? You’re a good bloke. You lot are too young to be chasing after –”

 

“If we don’t, who will?” James cut across him, not in the mood to hear this or give his many reasons for being active in the Order.

 

Bones examined him closely and then sighed, “Tell my children to answer a damn letter if you see them, will you?”

 

James forced a smile, “Of course.”

 

“Bet _you_ answer your parents’ owls,” Bones muttered darkly, shooting James a look.

 

“Every one,” James told him, which was mostly true.

 

“See you tomorrow, Potter,” Bones said, stepping into the fireplace in front of him.

 

“Have a good night,” James nodded at him before he spun and disappeared.

 

James threw in a pinch of floo powder when the fire returned to normal and stepped in.

 

He hesitated and then said, “The Hound House.”

 

Moments later, he stepped out of the fireplace and looked around at the empty living room.

 

“If he comes back here after work, he’ll be here any minute!” James heard Remus’ voice coming from down the small hallway ahead of him. He sounded amused.

 

“He probably will,” Sirius answered.

 

“So we have to get out of bed.”

 

“Okay.”

 

There was a pause.

 

A laugh drifted down the hall and Remus managed, “You’re still laying on top of me!”

 

James felt his cheeks heat up. He ran a hand through his hair. Shit, he shouldn’t be here. This wasn’t his flat – he had his own to go to and he shouldn’t intrude on Remus and Sirius just because he was being a coward about returning to it. The two of them barely got time alone as it was, with Remus being sent off once a month or more to spy on the werewolves.

 

His chest aching, James turned around and went home.

 

He was a bit confused when he looked around his empty flat and everything was exactly the same as it had the night before. He felt like the place should be in shambles: furniture ripped up, holes in the walls, picture frames shattered.

 

Instead, on the small table near the couch, there was a large frame with a picture of the Marauders and Lily sitting on his couch. The hand-me-down furniture was too small to fit all of them side-by-side, so Lily was in James’ lap, laughing as he nuzzled his face into her neck, reaching a hand up to fist in his hair. James knocked it face down as he walked by.

 

His body seemed to have been recently filled with cement; it was hard to lift up his feet and drag himself to his bedroom. His heart felt tired, like each beat it pounded out was against its better judgement. All he wanted to do was swallow another mouthful of Dreamless Sleep so that he wouldn’t have to think anymore, so that he wouldn’t have to be alone in a flat that had always been so full of Lily.

 

The bedroom was the same, too, which felt cruel. The bed was still unmade; the duvet folded over at both corners from where he and Lily had slid out of either side only yesterday morning and raced to the kitchen for the last slice of leftover pizza in the fridge.

 

Lily had won, but she’d shared.

 

James ignored the stabbing feeling behind his eyes and changed out of his robes. After sniffing them and deciding he could wear them again tomorrow, he opened the closet door to hang them up and froze.

 

It was more than half empty. 

 

All of Lily’s robes and dresses and shirts were gone.

 

An inhuman sound escaped him as he stumbled over to the dresser and pulled out the second drawer. It was empty. He pulled out the top left one. Empty.

 

Desperate now, he tripped into the bathroom and hit the light switch. The sink was naked. Lily’s hairbrush, clips, toothbrush, the muggle face soap she preferred… all gone.

 

Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized that she must have come by and gathered her things while he was at work. He slid down against the wall. The breakup suddenly felt real in a way it hadn’t before, even last night when he was dragging loud breaths into his lungs on Sirius’ floor.

 

She was gone; she was really, properly gone.

 

And, no matter how many times he told himself that this was what he wanted, that she was safer this way, he couldn’t stop crying on his bathroom floor.

 

 

 

When his alarm blared, James woke up feeling slightly embarrassed. Sirius was passed out on what had previously been Lily’s side of the bed snoring like dragon with a deviated septum.

 

His mate had shown up about ten minutes into James’ emotional breakdown, concerned when James hadn’t shown up at his flat after work. He’d dropped James into the shower and turned on cold water until James was indignant enough to get his shit together. Then he’d fed him some Dreamless Sleep and James couldn’t remember much after that.

 

James quietly got out of the bed and dressed for work, then ran down the street to the bakery for coffee and Sirius’ favorite pastries as a token he hoped said _thanks for not calling me pathetic even though I was totally being pathetic_. He left them on the kitchen counter, knowing that Sirius would sniff them out as soon as he woke up, and drained his own coffee before flooing to the Ministry.

 

“You still look like shit,” Bones greeted him when James walked into their cubicle well before nine.

 

“Cheers,” James answered dully. Then, realizing that the whole point of the break-up was lost if it remained a secret, added, “Lily and I called things off on Sunday.”

 

“Damn,” Bones muttered, low. “I’m sorry, I really liked her.” Bones had met Lily the few times she’d stopped by on James’ lunch breaks.

 

“Me too,” James swallowed around a lump in his throat and looked at his hands in his lap.

 

“Well,” Bones said quickly, seeing the distress on James’ face from the current conversation topic. “We’re first in the queue to be sent out today, that oughta cheer you up. I know you don’t like being stuck on-desk for days at a time.”

 

James looked back up at him, “You said you had a feeling about today.”

 

Bones took a deep breath, “Yeah.”

 

James felt anticipation course through him, settling near his fingertips. He moved to tap them absentmindedly on his desk. “Let’s hope you’re wrong, then.”

 

“I always do,” Bones threw him a tight smile and turned back to the paperwork he’d been working on.

 

Nothing happened until right after lunch. A pair of memos zoomed in and split, one landing on each of their desks. James stomach turned over as he unfolded it.

 

_415 Code M area with unknown purpose_

_BB11 1PS_

 

James read it over a few times, his heartbeat steadying. Magical disturbances in a primarily muggle areas weren’t usually a big deal – this kind of thing was usually a mis-apparation or, more rarely, a muggleborn which or wizard discovering their abilities.

 

“This isn’t too bad,” James turned to look at Bones. From the side profile of his face that he could make out, James could tell that Bones didn’t agree.

 

“No, this is it,” Bones told him. “I feel it. This isn’t innocent.”

 

“We have to go check it out anyway, maybe you’re off this time,” James tried to keep the mood light. He didn’t know if he could handle another tragedy yet.

 

“Maybe,” Bones folded the paper back. “Well, I said you could pick this time, Potter. What’ll it be?”

 

James grinned, this was one of his favorite parts of being an Obliviator.

 

 

 

Bones knocked on the third door of the afternoon. They’d arrived in the postal code indicated on their note dressed in muggle slacks, smart button-up shirts with ties under thick black coats, and carrying props. The first two houses they’d tried had shut the door in their faces before they could even ask if anything strange had happened.

 

“I don’t know why you always pick this costume,” Bones grumbled. “At least when we’re dressed like the muggle police, the muggles are more likely to talk to us.”

 

“It’s not fun if it’s too easy,” James muttered back to him.

 

“It’s not supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be –” the door swung open revealing a young mother with unkempt hair bouncing a toddler on her hip. James nudged Bones with his elbow.

 

“Hi, do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?” Bones put on a fake grin and held up his copy of the King James.

 

“Er – not really,” She adjusted the toddler. “I was just about to try to put him down, and –”

 

“Ask her,” James said in a perfectly-crafted loud-whisper. This was his favorite bit.

 

“I’m sorry?” the mother said as the toddler pulled on her hair.

 

“Please ignore my colleague,” Bone said before turning to James with an exasperated look. “We’re not going to bother this nice young lady about what we saw, okay? We’re here to spread the love and community of the –”

 

“What’d you see?” the muggle asked sharply.

 

_Yes, we got one!_

 

James shot a look at Bones, who made a show of sighing loudly before he nodded.

 

“I just,” James paused for effect. “I thought I saw something that didn’t really make sense when we were canvassing near the park earlier and I can’t wrap my mind around it. Did – did you see anything strange this morning?”

 

She stared at James for a long moment before, “I thought I’d imagined it.”

 

When she didn’t elaborate, James pressed, “I did too, I feel like I can’t even speak of it, because the Lord might look down on me, but maybe if you explain and I realize it wasn’t the devil trying to trick me…” he gave her his best pleading look.

 

She hesitated only a moment before saying it all very quickly, “So I was walking David in his pram in the park this morning near where they’re holding the Snowflake Festival this weekend. Just as I was passing the old recreation center, these two men with long coats – almost to the ground – popped out of _thin air_ and they started waving their hands around. The wind picked up and things were flying all over the place. It got really cold then, colder than it had been before, right, and I started feeling kind of… funny.  I got worried for David so I booked it out of there before anything could happen and I’ve been in the house ever since.”

 

James nodded along, feeling a tight ball of anxiety forming in his stomach. “Yes, yes, that’s exactly what I saw too!” he said when she was finished.

 

He exchanged a look with Bones, who nodded, and reached into his coat pocket to trade his Bible for his wand, “Wait for me by the road.”

 

James thanked her, though it was useless as Bones was about the wipe her memory, and walked back down the porch stairs to do as he was told. As he was not even a year on the job yet, he didn’t get to do the actual Obliviating often – only in all-wands-on-deck situations; he didn’t mind, though, at least not today.

 

He looked back at the entrance to the park, not three blocks from where he stood, and wondered what wizards had been doing there. Wondered if there had been dementors – it sure sounded like a possibility.

 

“Let’s go check it out,” Bones said, coming up beside James. “I doubt we find anything, but we might as well have a look around.”

 

“Do you think it’s part of a bigger plan?” James asked him. “Didn’t she say something about a festival this weekend?”

 

Bones nodded, “I’ve got a bad feeling, Potter.”

 

“You’ve mentioned.”

 

 

They poked around the old, abandoned recreation center and the surrounding area. James found traces of magic hidden in the outside walls of the building, but no matter what revealing charms either he or Bones through at it, it remained decidedly obscured.

 

Bones insisted upon knocking on more doors, but either no one else saw anything strange or no one was willing to admit that they did. They returned to the office near five, frustrated and anxious.

 

“I’ll go talk to Rochelle,” Bones said when they walked into the office. “I want someone monitoring that area 24/7 until this Snowflake Festival business has passed.”

 

“I’ll get started on the paperwork,” James offered, knowing the forms for a full-time watch were exhaustive. Also, James wasn’t in a hurry to get back to his empty apartment.

 

Bones raised his eyebrows, but didn’t comment on the uncharacteristic offer.

 

James collapsed into his chair, loosening his tie and dug his hand into his overcoat that hung on the wall nearby. He pulled out his two-way mirror, checked that no one was within hearing distance and said, “Sirius Black.”

 

Half a minute later, the surface rippled and Sirius’ face appeared, “Alright, Prongs?”

 

“Yeah, listen,” James quickly filled Sirius in on his run, the unusual magic that had been witnessed, and the location. “Tell Dumbledore,” he concluded. “He should probably get someone watching the area. My cloak is in its usual place if you need it.”

 

“On it,” Sirius nodded and the mirrors surface rippled again before James’ reflection returned.

 

James leaned back in his chair and slipped the mirror back into his overcoat. He liked feeling useful to the Order, but he disliked the feeling of unease that settled over him regarding his day’s work. He took his glasses off and rubbed his still-puffy eyes. It’d been a long week already and it was only fucking Tuesday.

 

 

Over the course of the subsequent days, James started to pull himself back together. By Thursday, he’d stopped showing up to work with puffy eyes, and when he entered his apartment on Friday night, he only felt that terrible pang in his chest for a few seconds before it simmered to a dull ache.

 

Rochelle, the Head Obliviator, and Dumbledore had both set round the clock eyes on the park –  making for a mixture of Obliviators and Aurors who were mostly unaware that a member of the Order of the Phoenix was lurking nearby – but it’d been quiet all week. The Snowflake Festival was taking place over the weekend, and it was with trepidation that they filed out at five on Friday with strict orders to stay near their wands.

 

James ran a hand through his hair as he stepped out of the fireplace into his flat, exhausted from a week full off too many emotions. _Before_ , Fridays were for his mates. Everyone who wasn’t out on Order of the Phoenix business would meet up at someone’s flat for Butterbeer, terrible drinking games, and general camaraderie, but James didn’t know what would happen now that he’d effectively torn their group apart.

 

The girls – Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary – had all been pulled in by Lily towards the end of their seventh year to ‘balance out all the testosterone.’ Emmeline had joined them after Lily met her during her brief tenure as an Auror-in-training. With a jolt, he realized that he hadn’t seen Lily in going on a week now – the longest stretch of time since they’d started dating – and he couldn’t imagine keeping his composure while he sat with everyone around a coffee table.

 

He’d just finished thumbing through the takeout menus he kept in a drawer near the fridge, trying to decide what to order, when his fire roared to life. He walked out of the kitchen still holding the menu from his favorite curry place and saw Peter step out holding two bags full of take away marked with the name on the menu.

 

He grinned, “Wormtail!”

 

“Padfoot and Moony are –”

 

Sirius strode out of the fireplace with all the ease of walking through an open door, “Please tell me you have clean forks, Prongs. They forgot to pack them and we didn’t have any.”

 

“You don’t have clean forks?” James asked him.

 

“No,” Remus stepped out of the fire holding two six-packs of Rosemerta’s Best Butterbeer. “It’s Sirius’ turn to do the dishes and –”

 

“And I seem to remember that it is _Remus’_ turn to do the dishes,” Sirius cut in, flopping onto the couch.

 

“They’re at a stalemate,” Peter finished, sitting on the floor in front of the armchair and pulling cartons out of the bags. Sirius slid onto the floor from the couch and Remus dropped down beside him, passing him a Butterbeer.

 

“You do know that you are wizards, right? Cleaning up takes about three seconds and a flick of your wand.” James pointed out, walking back into the kitchen to get utensils.

 

“It’s the principle of the thing!” two voices shouted at him from the living room.

 

His mates were idiots.

 

But they were idiots who showed up with take away so that James wouldn’t be lonely on a Friday night, so he loved them all the same.

 

“How’re things at HQ?” James asked as he sat on the floor across from Peter.

 

“Bucket of laughs, as always,” Peter replied grabbing a container of curry.

 

Remus shot him a disapproving look, “I think Dumbledore’s worried about the Festival you put us onto.” He grabbed his own carton. “He’s got three people stationed there around the clock tomorrow and Sunday. Everyone’s saying this week has been too quiet.”

 

“You’d think they’d deserve a bit of a break after knocking two of us off,” Sirius muttered darkly.

 

“Ministry has us on call all weekend, too,” James told them, opening a carton and passing it to Sirius when he saw it was the gross super-spicy one.

 

Remus nodded, “Dumbledore mentioned you couldn’t be set on the Order guard.”

 

“Well, and the muggles in the area already know your face,” Sirius grinned at him. “What was it? The ‘Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ’ bit again?”

 

“‘Course,” James replied. “You know that’s my favorite one.”

 

“I have an aunt who would be highly offended by your blasphemy,” Remus laughed.

 

“I feel bad for your childhood Christmases, then.”

 

“Ta.”

 

“Who’s on guard this weekend?” James asked, finally finding his curry and taking a bite.

 

“Nearly everyone at some point,” Peter answered, swallowing a large bite of curry and choking a bit. “Fuck, that’s hot,” he set his curry down in favor of samosas. “I’m tomorrow afternoon with Amelia and Remus. I’ll probably be bored to death with a game of ‘Who’s Your Favorite Historical Figure’ or something.”

 

“Amelia’s not that bad!” Remus defended as Sirius and James laughed.

 

“Who said I was talking about Amelia?” Peter asked, cocking his head to the side.

 

Sirius laughed harder as Remus showed Peter two fingers, then turned to James, “I’ve got Saturday night with Marlene and Edgar. Should be a riot.”

 

James looked at them in turn, finally settling on the weakest link: Peter. James raised his eyebrows, Peter squirmed, “We don’t know when Lily’s patrol is, Prongs. We didn’t ask.”

 

“She wasn’t too keen to talk to us when we ran into her at HQ,” Sirius told him.

 

“Next full-Order meeting is Monday at ten, though. Dumbledore told us to pass that along to you,” Remus studied him. “You can talk to her then.”

 

“I don’t know if I want to talk to her,” James admitted, pushing his curry around in the carton. Steam temporarily fogged his glasses.

 

Sirius scoffed, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

 

James looked up, “Honestly,” he told them. “I don’t know if I could talk to her and not say something stupid.”

 

“Think you already have ‘stupid’ covered,” Sirius told him.

 

“You know why I did it.”

 

“Yeah, we do, and we think you’re being an idiot,” Remus told him.

 

“You don’t get it,” James said moodily, looking back down at his food.

 

“You’re right. As a werewolf in a relationship with another bloke, I have no idea what it’d be like to be in a relationship that was dangerous and persecuted. Please do elaborate,” Remus said dryly.

 

James winced.

 

“Let’s not argue,” Peter cut in. “James thinks he did the right thing and we think he’s a prat, fighting about it isn’t going to change anything.”

 

“You’re right,” Sirius sighed, and changed the subject to a recent Quidditch match. James didn’t pay much attention. Not for the first time, he felt doubt swimming in the back of his mind, telling him he’d made a terrible mistake.

 

 

Sunday night, James was laying on the couch in front of the fire reading the most recent _Transfiguration Today_ when his wand began emitting a shower of red sparks from the floor.

 

“Shit,” James cursed, jumping off the couch and grabbing up his wand on his way to hid bedroom. As soon as he touched it, the sparks stopped. He quickly changed from sweatpants into his Obliviator robes, pulled on his overcoat, and ran out of his flat, waving his wand absentmindedly to lock the door behind him.

 

When he got out of his building, he stepped into a nearby alleyway and turned on the spot, visualizing the park near the Snowflake Festival.

 

The suffocating darkness lifted into chaos. In every direction he looked, there were string lights bursting into flames that rose into the night, spreading faster and higher than natural flame. As he watched, hooded figures blasted stalls out of their way, marching through the festival. They stopped at a few stalls, seeming to look for something, before green light would flash from their wands and muggles would drop.

 

He had started making his way toward the figures when he noticed two dementors sweeping towards a small muggle family huddled under a nearby stall. He stopped dead, pulled the memory of when Lily had first leaned in and kissed him into his mind, and shouted, _“Expecto Patronum!”_

 

A stag burst from his wand and charged the dementors, but James didn’t stay to watch. He sprinted in the direction he’d seen the figures heading, sending _Aguamenti_ charms at as many of the magical flames as he could as he passed.

 

“Potter!” He heard his name and slowed, looking around in the chaos. Muggles pushed past him, trying to get off of the main drag of the festival and to safety. He heard something collapse up ahead, followed by more screams.

 

Finally, he made out Frank Longbottom running toward him, “They’re looking for something!” he shouted at James over the noise. “Don’t know what, though!”

 

“Dementors are here!”

 

“Greyback is here, too,” Frank shouted, pulling James back into a run toward the commotion. “Pulled him off a kid when the whole thing started.”

 

“It’s not full moon,” James felt nauseous.

 

“I know,” Frank said, looking as disgusted as James felt.

 

“Who else is here?”

 

They jumped over a toppled table and James blasted a fallen sign out of the way.

 

“Hopefully more people than we started with,” Frank called back, shooting water at a fire to his left. “Got a patronus out to the Order as it started to go to hell.”

 

“ _Who else was here, Longbottom?_ ” James called desperately.

 

“I was stationed with Dorcas and –”

 

He was cut off as a spell hit him from the left, sending him crashing into a flaming stall on their right.

 

“ _Fuck_ ,” James spun around, but whoever had cast the spell was hiding in the tree line of the forest just behind the festival stalls. He threw up a shield charm and sprinted over to pull Frank out of the wreckage. He managed to tug him onto the grass and stamp out the fire at the end of his robes.

 

“Bloody hell,” Frank pulled himself to his feet unsteadily as James felt his shield charm get tested for the first time.

 

“Someone’s in the tree line,” James told him, fixing him an appraising look. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah, I think so, just, _ow_.”

 

“Let’s move, we’re too exposed.”

 

Frank nodded and they dashed to crouch behind the nearest still-intact stall. It was hardly more than table laid on its side, but it was something.

 

The commotion had died down around them, but a glance up ahead told James that it had only moved further into the park. There were flashing lights through the trees that were almost certainly spells, and a flickering light around the bend in the path ahead that was definitely fire.

 

Thankfully, it appeared that the muggles on this end had made it out of the festival.

 

A spell hit the table and it cracked down the middle, pulling James from his thoughts.

 

“Fuck, okay, we’ll have to take them out if we want to get anywhere,” James said, looking over at Frank.

 

Frank nodded, “Right.” He pushed his curly hair out off of his forehead. He had slice down the side of his face that was bleeding freely. “Do you want to run or cover?”

 

James looked over the Auror and took in his various injuries, “I’ll run, you cover.”

 

“On three?”

 

“Wait,” James said. He tapped his head with the tip of his wand and felt a cold sensation trickle down his spine as the disillusionment charm spread.

 

“Nice one.”

 

“Okay, ready,” James nodded at him.

 

“One, two, _three!_ ” Frank counted off quickly then jumped up and began firing spells at the tree line with impunity, ducking the ones that came back at him.

 

James hurdled the table and sprinted in the direction of the offending spells. Luckily, between the darkness afforded to him by the night and the invisibility from his charm, he wasn’t spotted until he was nearly on top of the two Death Eaters ducking behind a large tree.

 

Taking them from the side and using his momentum, he jumped up and kicked one of them in the stomach with both of his feet as soon as the Death Eater turned, landing haphazardly on the Death Eater’s torso. Somewhat off balance now, he turned the upper half of his body and shot a body-bind hex at the other Death Eater, who immediately fell to the ground motionless.

 

James body-bound the one under his feet before the Death Eater could catch the breath James had knocked out of him.

 

“Cowardly bastards,” he growled, taking care to step on the face of the one he’d been standing on as he got off. The mask crunched under his foot. He was curious about who was beneath them, but before he could toe the mask off, Frank was through the trees. James lifted his disillusionment charm.

 

“Let’s get them over to the side – we’ll come back for them later.” Frank helped James levitate them behind a large bush and relieve them of their wands, which they viciously snapped in half.

 

“Let’s go,” Frank said, starting toward the sound of the fighting deeper into the forest.

 

James nodded and fell into step behind them. He had just opened his mouth to ask again which Order members Frank had been assigned to patrol with when he heard a sound that made his blood run cold.

 

“NO!” shouted a voice, just ahead. A voice he knew very well.

 

“Lily,” he choked, and broke into a sprint toward the scream. _No, no, no._

 

He swerved around the trees and brambles with the grace of someone who’d spend a little too much time as a woodland creature, and soon broke into a small clearing where he saw a flash of red hair dueling with two Death Eaters, the crumpled form of another person at her feet.

 

His wand slashed through the air, the first spells he could think of racing toward Lily’s opponents. Not having expected the help, the first Death Eater fell before James had even reached Lily. To her credit, she didn’t miss a beat, even with the addition of the new dueler coming from behind.

 

She used the distraction James provided to execute a particularly difficult spell and the remaining Death Eater flew backward to the nearest tree, which wrapped it’s branches around him, holding him in place. James waved his wand and caught the Death Eater’s wand when it flew toward him.

 

Finally, Lily turned to see who had helped her. She had a purple bruise over her right cheek and eye, both of which were quickly swelling. “James?”

 

James’ chest clinched so tightly that he couldn’t breathe, “Lils, Merlin, are you –”

 

Someone else burst through the trees at that moment, and Lily and James both turned their wands on the newcomer. It was Bones. James barely recognized him through his shock.

 

“Potter?” he nearly screamed. “What are you doing in here? Get your ass out there with the rest of the Obliviators before they get suspicious!”

 

“What?” James asked blankly.

 

“You were summoned to take care of the bloody muggles, you idiot, get to the fucking edge of the park, _now_.”

 

Oh. Right. He was summoned here as an Obliviator, not as a member of the Order. He reached a hand up to tug through his hair as he turned back to Lily.

 

“Go,” she told him. She gestured toward the ground and James remembered the figure he’d seen at her feet from afar. “I have to get Dorcas back to –”

 

They both turned again as someone broke through the trees on the other side of the clearing. James’ nerves were so on edge that he nearly sent a spell before he realized it was only Frank.

 

“Potter!” Bones yelled again from the tree line. “I’m not fucking around, this is already suspicious as hell as it is.”

 

“Get out of here,” Lily said sharply.

 

James looked back at her, her face purple and puffy. He looked back at Frank, who was running toward them, “It’s okay.” He huffed, out of breath, when he reached them. “I’ll help her with Dorcas.”

 

James nodded, his lips pressed tightly together to keep from saying something stupid. He jerkily turned and jogged over to Bones, who began to lead the way out of the park.

 

“You’re lucky I know about the Order,” Bones was seething. “I told them you probably got caught up in the action, begged off to look for you.”

`

“I did,” James said. “I apparated into the middle of it.”

 

Bones snorted, “And I’m sure your first thought was to get to the muggles an Obliviate them.”

 

“Of course it fucking wasn’t,” James spat. “It was to stop those bastards from setting everything on –”

 

“Shut up,” Bones hissed. “You have to think like an Obliviator or you’ll be pinned as one of Dumbledore’s before you can say ‘spy.’”

 

James didn’t respond.

 

“I found you in a duel in the forest,” Bones said quickly as the trees thinned around them. “You even have that cut on your face, so it’s convincing.”

 

James frowned and reached up to feel his face. His hand came away from his cheek sticky. _When had that happened?_

 

“Thanks,” James said, still annoyed, but not at Bones.

 

Bones nodded, his jaw tight, and they broke through the trees to a spot where a crowd of muggles milled around waiting to talk to ‘the police.’

 

 

 

 

James threw the door to headquarters open so hard that it banged loudly against the wall behind it. Right inside, Amelia Bones jumped at the noise and scowled at him, but he barely registered her. He strode into the kitchen and saw, through the window over the sink, that the sun was just peaking over the horizon.

 

“Where is she?” he demanded, looking at each of the people in the room in turn.

 

Peter didn’t look up from his spot at the table, where he was resting his forehead on his hands. Remus shook his head once, watching Sirius with his mouth drawn into a tight line. Alice Longbottom sat on the counter holding steaming mug of tea in her hands and looking exhausted. It was Sirius, his wand between his teeth as he carefully wrapped gauze around Frank’s arm, who nodded toward the door that led to the basement level, “Dow ders.”

 

Without another word, James crossed the room and pounded down the steps. He passed the first room, peaking in and seeing Dumbledore in deep conversation with Marlene and Emmeline as they stood over a cot where Dorcas slept. The door to the next room sat open and James’ breath left him all at once.

 

Lily sat on a chair facing the door in only her bra. Mary MacDonald bent over her right side, a small vial of something hovering over a long, deep gash that ran from the top of Lily’s shoulder to just above her elbow. Below her was a small pool of blood.

 

“Hold still, Lily, the dittany will definitely sting,” Mary said, looking up at her friend before concentrating on gash at her shoulder again.

 

Lily nodded, then looked away, her eyes meeting James’.

 

Both of James’ hands flew to his hair and he pulled on it. Lily was hurt. She was even more injured than she had been when he’d last seen her. Bloody hell, her arm looked like someone had a good go at amputating it.

 

He fell against the doorframe, still looking at her, his mind spinning. “You – you were supposed to be safe,” he said, the words coming out in a terrible moan. “You were supposed to be safe without me.”

 

Mary looked up, then, her concentration breaking, “James, you shouldn’t –”

 

“Wait,” Lily cut across her. She stood with a wince that cut all the way into James’ heart.

 

She slowly made her way over to him. He straightened, his hands falling to his side as he watched her. They twitched, trying to reach out to her of their own accord.

 

“I was supposed to be safe?” she said softly. “I was supposed to be _safe?_ ”

 

Her voice was low, dangerous. James couldn’t think, not with her standing there. Not with her standing there _fucking bleeding_.

 

“I run into the same situations that you do,” she was standing a foot from him now, her not-swollen-eye narrowed at him. “I fight the same threats that you do, hear the same taunts that you hear, and _I was supposed to be safe?_ ” She laughed a short, humorless laugh. “No one is fucking safe right now, James, with or without you. That’s just something you’ll have to live with.”

 

And with that, Lily stepped back and grabbed the door with her good hand.

 

Then she slammed it shut in his face.

 

James stared at the door, his eyes focusing on the cracks in the old wood as the slamming noise ricocheted around in his skull.

 

“James?” he turned his head and saw Marlene sticking her head out of the room a few feet down the hall.

 

James turned toward her jerkily, shoving his hands into the pockets of his robes. He walked the few steps down the hall until he could peak into the room. Dumbledore and Emmeline were gone.

 

“Is she going to be okay?” James asked, his voice sounded small.

 

Marlene nodded, “Dumbledore did some stupidly advanced spellwork, then said she needed to rest.”

 

James let out a breath, “Good, good.”

 

In the brief silence that followed, a muffled swearword came from the room behind them. James winced, a stabbing feeling that felt very unhealthy slicing through his heart.

 

“Are _you_ going to be okay?” Marlene asked him, her head tilting as she scrutinized him.

 

James shrugged and looked at his feet.

 

Marlene reached out and put a hand on his arm. He looked up at her and she gave him a small smile, “Lily’s clever; she knows you still love her.” James swallowed hard. “Mind, that doesn’t mean what you said to her didn’t fucking hurt. Get your shit together, James. None of us have time to wait around for you to pull your head out of your arse.”

 

“I just wanted –”

 

Marlene snorted, crossing her arms, “What – you thought if you ended things she’d run back to the muggle world, stop fighting for the Order, and then all the Death Eaters would conveniently forget that Lily Evans existed?”

 

“No,” James injected. “I –” He stopped. _Wasn’t that essentially his reasoning? That she’d be safe and sound if he just removed the spotlight that their relationship shined on her?_

 

“You need to remember who you’re dealing with here, Potter,” Marlene told him. She sighed. “When I got to the scene last night, Lily and Frank had incapacitated five Death Eaters, and there was a doe patronus circling the three of them. Frank had Dorcas draped over one of his arms, so Lily had done a good deal of it on her own. She doesn’t need you to protect her, she needs you to be there when the fighting is over.”

 

James opened his mouth to say that he knew that Lily didn’t need anyone to do anything for her. That he knew she was brilliant, knew she was one of the best duelers anyone had ever seen. Hell, she was one of three Auror recruits that the department had taken over the past three years. Had he forgotten those things in his haze of fear and panic?

 

_You fucking idiot_ , his mind threw at him in a voice that sounded a lot like Remus’.

 

The realization hit him suddenly, crashing over him like a tidal wave. He looked at Marlene, regret etched into the exhaustion lines on his face, “I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

 

He heard a scoff from the stairwell to his right and turned to see Sirius standing on the last step, leaning against the wall. “Hark who’s seeing sense for the first time in his damn life.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not gonna lie, that 'Do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" bit is my new favorite headcanon i've ever created
> 
> also i'm a straight up sucker for the marauders just bein' bros together. (fuck u peter)
> 
> thanks for the love, guys <3


	3. part iii. absolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~

**_part iii. absolution_ **

 

James rolled onto his side to stare at the empty side of his bed. It was a few hours after he realized what an absolute prat he was, and he was tossing and turning trying to get to sleep in his loudly silent apartment.

 

He was under strict instructions not to show up to work until Wednesday – rest, recover, and all that bullshit – and he know he needed at least twelve hours of sleep to get his body to a semi-functional point. As it was currently pushing eight in the morning and he had an Order of the Phoenix meeting at ten tonight, he really wished his mind would cooperate and let him drift off.

 

Instead, it was echoing Lily’s muffled curses back at him. The ones he’d climbed the basement stairs to escape as soon as Mary started with the Dittany and Marlene ran into the room to help. Sometimes, just to switch things up, it was showing him Lily’s face as she slammed the door on him.

 

Groaning loudly, he rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, making a desperate plea for his mind to shut down.

_If asked to define the word ‘content,’ James thought he’d probably use this moment. Yes, there was a war on, and everyone was_ too _aware of that, but as James looked around at the scene in his parents’ living room, a warmth spread through him that had nothing to do with the August heat seeping through the cracks in the windows._

_They’d just finished off a particularly delicious Sunday roast, and everyone he cared most about in the world was there. Lily sat in front of his mother’s chair as the elder woman folded her hair into a complex braid that involved more strands and tucks than James could count from across the room. Remus was asleep on the couch with his head in Sirius’ lap, something he would undoubtedly be embarrassed about when he woke up despite the fact that the full moon was only two days away. Sirius unconsciously carded his fingers through Remus’ hair as he grinned at the story Peter told about a customer that had ordered a ridiculous cake from his mum’s bakery._

_James’ dad caught his eye and nodded toward the door, “Come help me with the kettle.”_

_James stood and followed his father into the kitchen, where the elder Potter waved his wand lazily at the kettle and it began heating. “In here,” Fleamont led his son past the kitchen, down the small hallway, and finally into the master bedroom._

_“Everything alright?” James asked, watching his father cross to the large vanity table and began shuffling through its drawers._

_“Your mother and I have been talking, and though I’m sure you hadn’t noticed due to our spritely attitudes and youthful personalities, she and I are getting on in years.”_

_James frowned a bit, “You aren’t, really.”_

_Fleamont chuckled, not turning from his spot at the vanity, “I appreciate the sentiment son, but I’m just telling it true.”_

_James didn’t like thinking about his parents getting older, for obvious reasons, and he was about to say so when his dad straightened up with an “A-ha!”_

_He turned around to face James again, “As I was saying, your mother and I aren’t spring chickens anymore, and we wanted to make sure that you had this just in case anything happened.”_

_“Nothing’s going to happen,” James said straight away, adamant, without looking at what his father was holding._

_“I know, I know,” Fleamont crossed the bedroom until he was standing in front of James, who finally looked down at what he was being presented. It was a tiny, black box. Fleamont snapped it open with his thumb and James stared down at a beautiful, elegant diamond ring. It wasn’t adorned with as many stones as the one that currently resided on his mother’s finger, but it was certainly nothing to laugh at._

_“What the fuck?” the words tumbled out of James’ mouth before he could reel them in._

_His father chuckled, “Look, we’re not saying – or even encouraging, really – that you do anything any time soon, your mother and I…” he paused, and James dragged his eyes from the ring up to meet his father’s gaze. “Well, Lily’s the one, isn’t she?”_

_James felt his mouth go dry and his heart began speeding through its beats, but he couldn’t help the grin that unfurled on his face, “Yeah, she is. Of course she is.”_

_“This is the ring I gave your mother when we’d just graduated school, before Sleekeazy was more than wishful thinking. We want you to have it, for whenever you’re ready – which, again, does_ not _need to be anytime soon. We just wanted to let you know we adore her, and we approve, and all that sappy stuff parents are supposed to feel when their kid brings home the person they’re stupid in love with.”_

_James reached out and took the box from his dad, and looked down at it in his hand. It felt heavy and terrifying, but also a bit perfect._

_“Thanks, Dad.”_

_His dad dropped a hand onto his shoulder and they stood there, grinning stupidly at each other before Fleamont gave a little cough and said, “We should probably go get the tea ready before they get suspicious.”_

*

 

_“James? Are you awake?”_

_“Mmmm.”_

_Lily turned around in his arms so that they were face-to-face, “James.”_

_James hummed again, warm and sleepy and content, and cracked open an eye. Lily was staring at him, her eyes huge and impossibly green in the morning light. He felt a sleepy grin take over his face._

_She grinned back at him, “Do you want kids?”_

_James’ eyes popped open at that, “What?”_

_Lily rolled her eyes at him, “Not now, stupid, but just… I don’t know, in the future when it’s safe again. In general, I guess, do you want kids?”_

_James studied her, “Where’s this coming from?”_

_Lily shrugged a shoulder, “Had a dream last night…” he saw a blush crawl up her skin._

_“Lily Evans had a dream about having my children? I’m pretty sure Sirius just lost a bet.”_

_“If you’re just going to laugh,” Lily huffed and made to wiggle out of his arms. James tightened his grip on her and pulled her back._

_“Not a chance, woman,” he said as she whined half-heartedly. He dropped a kiss on her forehead. “I absolutely want to have kids. Specifically, I want to have them with you. Like, seven kids. Or eight, in case we get an unathletic one.”_

_Lily laughed and it warmed him from the inside out, “We are not having an entire quidditch team of children, James Potter.”_

_“You say that, but just wait. I can be very persuasive,” James said, smirking as he leaned in to kiss her soundly._

_After some time, she pulled away, “You did hear me say_ ‘not now, stupid’ _about the children, right?” She asked, running a hand up James’ stomach, chest, and into his hair. Contrary to her words, she scooted even closer so she was flush against him._

_“That doesn’t mean we can’t practice, dear,” James said, and rolled them over so he was on top._

 

 

 

Five minutes before the meeting was to begin, James pushed through the door to the dining room at Headquarters and looked around with exhausted eyes. He hadn’t slept well, instead plagued by dreams that were really just memories mocking him for being a goddamn idiot.

 

Lily sat at the far end of the table, chatting with Edgar and Marline, decidedly _not_ looking at him. Pulling a breath into his lungs, he walked around the table to where Sirius was leaning his chair back on two legs so far that Remus was eying him with trepidation, a hand twitching out as if to put him right. James pushed his mate’s chair back onto four legs and, as Sirius gave a squawk of protest, fell into the other seat next to him. 

 

“Did you sleep at all, Prongs?” Remus looked around Sirius at him, worry lines deepening on his forehead.

 

James lifted a shoulder, “Technically.” He looked around. “Where’s Peter?”

 

“Volunteered to go monitor the Ministry cleanup,” Sirius said, dropping an arm over the back of Remus’ chair as he stretched out. “He’s got the cloak, I didn’t think you’d mind.”

 

James nodded, his eyes slipping from Sirius to the far side of the table again. Lily’s hair was still damp from a shower, spreading wet spots on the back of her shirt. Her face looked better, the bruises and swelling mostly gone, but it still held a haggard look that James didn’t like.  Her arm was in a sling, and he didn’t like that much either.

 

But, mostly, she was out of reach and James _hated_ that.

 

At ten o’clock on the nose, Dumbledore swept into the room and silence fell, thick and immediate.

 

“Thank you all for being here, I know that it has been a miserable week and exhausting twenty-four hours. I want to start as I too often must, with a remembrance of members that we have lost since the last time we were last gathered,” he bowed his head. “Fabian and Gideon Prewett were fiercely intelligent, unwaveringly loyal, and highly skilled wizards. They had a penchant for lightening even the dourest moods, and were steadfast in their belief in this cause and this fight against evil. I ask for a moment of silence for the terrible loss of such integral parts of our community.”

 

Around the table, everyone lowered their heads. James closed his eyes and in the silence that followed tried to think of anything other than the sight of Fabian’s ruined body, the sound of him hitting the floor.

 

“Thank you,” Dumbledore said quietly, pulling attention back to where he stood near a large map of England pinned to the wall. “The memorial services will be held in three days’ time. I must ask volunteers to be present on official assignment to assure the safety of all involved.”

 

As it always went with these requests, nearly every hand in the room was raised. Dumbledore gave the assignment to Remus and Caradoc Dearborn, though encouraged everyone to attend if they so wished.

 

After taking care of more housekeeping business, Dumbledore turned to the Snowflake Festival Incident, “Frank, if you could tell us what you found out, please.” He spread his hands and Frank nodded, standing to take Dumbledore’s place by the map. Dumbledore sat in the nearest chair and tented his hands in front of his mouth.

 

Frank waved his wand and many pinpricks on the map behind him lit up in red, “I went into the office this afternoon and did some poking around in the Incident files. I found that there have been magical disturbances at several festivals all over England since last summer. They range in severity from a few muggles seeing strange things and needing surface-level memory mods to the kind of thing we saw last night.” He gestured to the widespread variety of the lights, “There doesn’t seem to be a geographical pattern to the attacks, nor are they all in primarily muggle-population areas.

 

“These,” he waved his wand and some of the lights changed from red to blue. “are wizard-only communities where festivals have been attacked. The only pattern that I could parse from the reports was mention that the attackers seemed to be searching for something – shuffling through the contents of certain stalls before blasting them apart.

 

“Of course, we can’t be sure if or what has been taken, as the debris and victims alike are generally in a bad way.”

 

He paused, and looked around before waving his wand at the map again and more dots appeared, this time in yellow, “These are upcoming events similar to those that have already been attacked. I worked with a friend in the Muggle Relations Department to cross check the dates and such. She’s the good sort, I don’t think she’ll spread it around, especially as I led her to believe it was Classified Auror Work.”

 

“So the Death Eaters have been raiding festivals for the better part of a year, seemingly looking for something – though we don’t know what – and it’s likely that they’ll attack one of these events sometime soon, but maybe not?” Marlene summarized.

 

Frank nodded, “I think it’s best if we set up a guard around the festivals to keep an eye on things.”

 

“Because that worked out so well last time?” Sirius deadpanned and James heard Remus kick him under the table.

 

“It worked better than not having anyone there at all,” Lily spoke up. “There were fewer muggle deaths since we were already stationed there when it began, I have to believe that.”

 

“I agree,” nodded Amelia. “I think if we had a two person guard set up, we could at least cut down on reaction time. We wouldn’t have to rely on intercepting calls or memos.”

 

“Are these upcoming festivals spread out, timing-wise?” James turned back to Frank, who nodded.

  
“A few are on overlapping weekends, but I think I might be able to get Aurors to cover a few of them if I insinuate that I have specific intel that they’ll be targeted.”

 

“I’ll need a concrete account of something before the Obliviators will get involved, but if you get word of a witness report or other intel, let me know and I’ll see what I can do.”

 

They spent the rest of the meeting organizing a rotating guard for the nights of the earliest festival dates and updating the group on pertinent individual ongoing assignments. When the meeting finally broke up, James watched Lily stand up with Marlene and head toward the door.

 

His heart in his throat, he got up and quickly followed, catching them in the hallway.

 

“Lily?” he said, his voice a rough around the edges. She turned from Marlene to look at him, which he took as a good sign even if she didn’t look particularly happy about her decision. Marlene looked between them for a second, before shrugging and disappearing further down the hallway.

 

She raised her eyebrows at him, not saying a word, her lips pressed into a tight line. His stomach dropped. It was a move he hadn’t seen since Hogwarts and it catapulted him back to the days of trying in vain to get her to _just fucking talk to him like a normal person, please_.

 

“Can we talk?” he managed to ask.

 

She studied him with eyes that could always pin him in place, and then sighed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

 

He’d expected this, but it did nothing for the stomach-in-his-toes issue. “Look, I know I fucked up. I _know_ and I just –”

 

“No,” she said sharply, and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath then opened them again. James was sure he must look absolutely shattered right now, but he couldn’t make himself care.

 

“I – you – James, I’m still too angry to talk to you right now,” she told him. “I don’t want to yell… no, I _do_ want to yell, and that’s the thing. Any conversation we had right now wouldn’t be productive, it’d be terrible and we’d both end up angrier and upset at the end. And I don’t want that.”

 

“I deserve to be yelled at. Thoroughly.”

 

She didn’t smile. She didn’t even look like she wanted to.

 

“Be that as it may, I don’t want to talk to you. I can barely look at you right now without being so angry I feel like I’m going to _explode_ and since I’m not fifteen anymore I don’t think it’ll make me feel better to think of a hundred different ways to call you an arsehole,” she sighed again. “I need time.”

 

James felt like a herd of centaurs had stampeded over his chest, but he was dimly aware that he was nodding. Probably not breathing, but definitely nodding.

 

“See you,” Lily said, her voice soft, and she turned to go.

 

“Wait,” James surged forward. Lily turned back. “I love you, Lily. I do.”

 

She just stared at him for what felt like _ages_ but was likely only a few seconds. Finally, a nod. “I know,” she said, not unkindly. Then she did turn and leave, and James watched her go as his mind entered a panicked tailspin.

 

 

 

James wasn’t entirely sure where Sirius kept getting vials of Dreamless Sleep, but he had long realized that, with Sirius, it was better to thank him and not ask questions. Over the next week, he managed to fall into a routine that didn’t take much thinking to get through: wake up, coffee, work (don’t get killed), dinner, Order gaurd duty (don’t get killed), Dreamless Sleep.

 

He looked forward to the days where it was his turn to rotate through scout or guard duty for the Order, which were more frequent now that they had a wide variety of areas to monitor. They found traces of magic at a few of the sites where Festivals were planned for the upcoming weekends. James, with Dumbledore’s permission, warned Bones of them. James knew that the Obliviators couldn’t do much unless they got a memo about uncommon magic being used, but he figured that having his superior warned that another attack could happen was the next best thing.

 

It was those Order days that he often ran into Lily. He felt a bit like a teenager again, thrilled to see her from across the room, to say ‘hi’ to her and have her nod at him. But, on the other hand, the painful feeling that accompanied his heart actively trying to escape the confines of his ribs and cross the room to Lily was decidedly _not_ something he experienced at Hogwarts. It was an emotional pain made physical in a way that James couldn’t really explain, even to himself. He felt short of breath when she was near, his chest aching and his mind telling him to _go, go talk to her._

 

He didn’t.

 

He knew Lily well enough to know that he couldn’t push her, that he had to accept that she needed time, even if he was miserable about it. He caused this. James started this whole goddamn thing and, honestly, he probably deserved some anguish about it all. He had to wait until she came to him when – _if,_ the nasty, insecure part of his mind said – she forgave him for being a prat.

 

 

 

The Saturday after Lily told him that she needed time ( _James admitted to himself that his new way of measuring time was rather pathetic_ ), James was working the late-late shift as the Obliviator-on-call. The shift ran from one in the morning til nine in the morning, and James was able to work it without his supervisor.

 

Because James had proven himself competent as an Obliviator, he had been cleared work on-call night shifts without Bones pretty quickly. James was about ninety-five percent sure that his competence at the job during training was the reason that Bones, one of the most senior Obliviators, had chosen James as his supervisee – even if Bones repeatedly and loudly proclaimed it was because he wanted a chance to mock James for having hair reminiscent of a mop that’d gone through a garbage disposal despite being the son of the Sleekeazy’s inventor.

 

Though he’d slept most of Friday in preparation for his early-Saturday-morning shift, James stifled a yawn when the weekend Obliviator who shared his cubicle poked her head in and said good morning.

 

“Morning,” James spun around.

 

Andrea was a motherly woman nearly Bones’ age. In example of this, she held out a wrapped parcel to James, “I stopped and got you an egg and bacon sandwich on my way in. Thought you could use it after the late-late shift.”

 

James could have kissed her, “You’re amazing.” He took the proffered sandwich and put the paperwork he had finished onto Bones’ desk. 

 

“I just remember those shifts vividly,” Andrea laughed as she and James shuffled around each other until Andrea was standing by the desk and James was near the exit. “There was an Obliviator who used to bring us all sandwiches when I was younger.”

 

“I appreciate it greatly,” James grinned, already unwrapping the sandwich.

 

“Get on, then. You look exhausted.”

 

“Cheers,” James nodded at her and exited the cubicle, taking a bite of his breakfast.

 

He finished his sandwich before he got to the Ministry fireplaces to floo home. He thought longingly of his bed as he stepped into the grate and said his address.

 

The first thing he saw when he stopped spinning was a silvery, giant dog sitting on his couch. He groaned, “Fuck off, Padfoot.”

 

“ _Prongs,_ ” Sirius’ patronus spoke, oblivious to his outburst. “ _If you get this before 9:30 come to clean up duty. Dumbledore intercepted a memo to your office this morning._ ” James passed a hand under his glasses and over his face as the dog gave him the address. Clean up duty for the Order was the _worst_. It was often depressing and hardly ever exciting.

 

He checked his watch – _9:15_ – and sighed. He quickly traded his Obliviator robes for plain black ones and made his way out of his flat. Once he had disappeared into the alley near his building and checked for muggles, he disapparated with a _crack_.

 

When the blackness lifted, he looked around. He stood in front of a destroyed jewelry shop.

 

“Prongs!” James looked inside the shop via the shattered window and saw Sirius behind what used to be a counter. Stepping into the shop through what had previously been a door, James picked his way over to his mate, carefully avoiding the glass that littered the floor.

 

“What happened?” James asked, looking around at the destruction.

 

“We think they were looking for something again,” Sirius said. “There’s a section in the back of the store that was mostly old, antique jewelry that looks properly rummaged through but not destroyed like this lot.”

 

“Why are they looking for jewelry?” James asked, bemused.

 

“No clue. Dumbledore was here for a few minutes and I’m sure he has all sorts of ideas, but he’s not likely to share them with us. Must be important if he cared enough to intercept that memo, though,” Sirius shook his head. “But, look, I’ve got down here covered, but there’s a muggle family upstairs that needs attending to. Two dead, two alive and in need of memory mods.”

 

“Fuck,” James said. “Yeah, I’m on it.”

 

“Dumbledore said a burglary gone wrong would probably work,” Sirius called after him as he walked to the back of the store and up a set of stairs that looked promising.

 

James stopped outside the door and transfigured his robes into a policeman’s uniform. When he pushed open the door, he stopped in his tracks and vowed to hex Sirius somewhere very uncomfortable for not warning him.

 

“I know it’s awful and you’re being very strong,” Lily was saying as she knelt next to a small child sat in her mother’s lap. She was also in a police uniform, with her hair twisted into a tight knot at the top of her head. James felt like his heart was twisting itself into a similar knot.

 

_Pull yourself together,_ he thought angrily.

 

He took a deep breath and entered the room, “Good morning,” he said. “I’m Officer Black and I’m here to assist my partner.” James didn’t know what name Lily had given them – they often didn’t give out their real surnames to muggles. James only used Sirius’ because he was pissed at him.

 

Lily’s head snapped around, but her expression didn’t betray her shock. The mother startled and looked around and her daughter gripped her arm tighter.

 

“I’m going to take a look around while my partner continues to take your statement, and then I’ll join you in here, if that’s alright?”

 

The mother nodded, her eyes rimmed red and exhausted. James went in search of the bodies that Sirius had mentioned, a weight in his stomach that always made itself known whenever he had tasks like this.

 

He found them in the first room he checked. It looked to be a child’s bedroom. There was a kid that couldn’t have been older than six or seven in the bed, eyes staring up at the ceiling and blood staining his duvet. His father was in the rocking chair, slumped over, his wrists chaffed as if he’d been struggling against invisible ropes.

 

It didn’t take a genius to figure out what had happened here: the kid had been tortured to make the father talk. Honestly, James was surprised that the mother and other child were still alive.

 

He walked over to the bed and gently closed the child’s eyes – he hated it when they were left open, empty and staring. When the eyes were closed James could almost convince himself that the dead were at peace, somewhere far from this world where kids were tortured.

 

As he walked over to the father, he heard a crunch under his foot and lifted it to see that he’d stepped on a pair of glasses. He bent over to pick them up, and ran a hand over them to repair them. He wasn’t an expert on wandless magic, but (out of necessity) repairing glasses was one thing he’d mastered.

 

James closed the older man’s eyes before placing the glasses back on his face and stepping back. When he turned back toward the door, he quickly pulled his wand on the figure standing there before realizing it was only Lily. She didn’t flinch. She was watching him with a peculiar expression on her face, but he didn’t have time to ask about it.

 

“Are you finished interviewing them?” James asked, his voice soft. He pocketed his wand.

 

Lily nodded, “Yes, I’ve gotten everything we need. You can modify them now.”

 

“I wish I could just,” James sighed, ran a hand through his hair. “Make them forget about it all, you know? Plant a memory that she was a single mom and always had been. Make them forget about all the pain and suffering.”

 

“I don’t,” Lily said quietly.

 

James furrowed his brows at her.

 

She looked right at him, “I wouldn’t ever want to forget that I had this. That I had someone who loved me; that we two kids. Even if it all ended like this, I’d want those memories. Wouldn’t you?”

 

James’ chest was hurting again. He felt like he was going to do something stupid and inappropriate like cry, or kiss Lily, or both.

 

“Yes,” he managed. “You’re right. I’d want every memory, even the bad ones.”

 

Lily nodded at him, still not breaking eye contact, “James –”

 

“I should go Obliviate them,” James cut her off. He couldn’t do this, not here, not in the midst of all this destruction.

 

Lily closed her mouth and nodded, moving out of the doorway so that James could get past her. “Jane and Sara,” Lily said. “And the other two were Phillip and Mitch.”

 

“Thanks,” he walked to the mother and daughter. “Thank you for waiting, Jane, Sara,” he started. “I just need to ask you a few more questions.” He fingered his wand in his deep uniform pocket and began to draw out the movement, constructing a new memory in his own head to transfer into theirs.

 

 

 

By the time Jane and Sara came out of their post-memory-modification haze and the crime had been staged to resemble a muggle robbery, it was nearly eleven. James, Sirius, Lily, and Edgar, who had arrived not long after James, apparated back to HQ and found it empty.

 

“Most people are on guard duty for one of the festivals, I think,” Edgar said, poking his head into the kitchen to check.

 

Sirius checked the meeting room and shook his head, “Must be.”

 

“I’ll right up the Clean Up Duty paperwork, you guys go get some rest,” Edgar said to the other three.

 

“You don’t have to do that – go spend time with your kids,” Sirius waved him off. “Remus is out of town this weekend anyway, I’d rather be in HQ than in an empty apartment.”

 

“I can stay with you,” James offered, not liking the idea of Sirius being alone after the morning they had.

 

“James,” Lily said softly and, to James _great_ surprise, laced her fingers through his. His heart abruptly kick-started into a rhythm that was definitely unhealthy. He looked at her, and she continued, “Can we talk?”

 

James looked back at Sirius, eyes wide, and Sirius grinned at him, “I’ll be fine. HQ is probably the safest building in England. Plus, I think the guard change is at noon so I’ll have company soon.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Leave,” Edgar and Sirius said together and James half-grinned at them.

 

He allowed Lily to pull him over to the fireplace and when she let go of his hand to floo first, he almost made a desperate grab for it. James watched Lily say the address of his flat and then disappear. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to get his breathing back to normal before he followed.

 

“It’ll be okay, Prongs,” he turned and saw Sirius leaning against the doorframe to the living room.

 

“What if –”

 

“She won’t.”

 

“You don’t even know what I was going to say,” James huffed.

 

“Of course I do,” Sirius said fondly.

 

“Love you, Padfoot.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, go get your woman,” Sirius waved a hand at him and James did as he was told.

 

He heard water running in his kitchen, and followed the sounds to find Lily making a pot of coffee.

 

“Thank Merlin,” James said. “I wasn’t going to make it much longer without that.”

 

Lily grinned at him, but it looked strained, “I know. The late-late shift always wrecks your sleep schedule for days.”

 

“Andrea brought me a sandwich again this morning,” James told her. “She’s my hero.”

 

“She’s sweet on you,” Lily teased lightly, waving her wand when the water finished filling to start the machine.

 

James let out a loud, mock sigh, “Can’t really blame her, though, what with my good looks and sparkling personality.”

 

Lily rolled her eyes at him, leaning back against the kitchen counter.

 

The teasing aside, silence fell quick and awkward around them. James’ hand twitched toward his hair again, but he managed to pass off the movement by taking off his glasses and wiping them off on his robes. When he replaced them, Lily was staring at him with the same look she’d had in the dead muggle’s bedroom.

 

“Lily –”

 

“You put his glasses back on,” Lily said, her eyes watery and her voice rough.

 

“What?”

 

“This morning, with the dead father. You picked up his glasses and put them back on him and the only thing I could see was you in your stupid glasses dead in that rocking chair,” she took a shaky breath. “And I’d be out in the other room, crying and trying to hold on to everything as it unraveled, like Jane was.

 

“Only then I realized that if it happened today, I wouldn’t be out in the living room, I’d be across town, or asleep in my bed in some other apartment, and I wouldn’t even _know_ that you were dead in a bloody rocking chair with your glasses all crooked and –” She broke off with a sob and James crossed the kitchen in two strides to gather her into his arms.

 

Lily wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and pressed her face into his chest and, even though she was crying, and even though his chest was pounding and aching and he wanted to make it all better, he couldn’t help but feel _right_ for the first time in two weeks.

 

James held her tight, one arm around her waist, the other rubbing soothing circles on her back as she took great, shaking breaths. James felt his eyes making some really ambitious moves toward tears, and focused on Lily and breathing, and _breathing in Lily_.

 

He tried to think of something reassuring to say, but everything rang false. He couldn’t say that it was okay, because it wasn’t. He couldn’t say that he wasn’t going to die, because he might.

 

After a minute or so, Lily pulled back a little and looked up at him. He felt like he could fall into her eyes and live there forever. “I understand, I think.”

 

“Understand what?” James asked softly, bringing a hand to her face and running his thumb across her cheek.

 

“Why you broke up with me,” she said quietly. “For the longest time, I was mad at you because I didn’t understand why you would do it if you still loved me. I was offended that you thought I couldn’t take care of myself or that you wanted to lock me away safely while you risked your life every day.”

 

“I was being a –”

 

“Let me finish,” Lily cut across him, fixing him with a look that was so _Lily_ that he couldn’t argue. He fought a smile and nodded.

 

“Then, today, I walked into that room and suddenly it was _you_ in that rocking chair and I… I just froze. In that moment – hell, in _any_ moment – I would do anything to keep you from being that dead father in the rocking chair, James. _Anything_. Including breaking up with you, if I thought that that would make you safer.”

 

 James didn’t know what to say to that.

 

“Sirius told me what the Death Eaters say when they face you,” Lily said, pressing closer to him. Her hand fisted in the hair at the nape of his neck.

 

“Git,” James said, without any real animosity.

 

Lily grinned a small grin, “He was trying to help. He _did_ help.”

 

“I just, I freaked out. All of the attacks were adding up and then Fabian got damn near cut in half about five feet away from me and _what if that was you_. I thought, stupidly, that if we broke up maybe you’d be safer. I know that I was wrong and idiotic, but,” he paused, tried to organize his thoughts.

 

“Honestly, even if it turned out that I was right, that you _were_ safer without me, I still don’t know if I could let you think that I don’t love you because, fuck, Lily, I’m so miserable without you. I’m too selfish to do it. Even if you were safer without me, even if you’d go back and live with your parents and never see Death Eaters again, I’d try to stay away but I don’t know if I could do it.”

 

James didn’t realize that he was crying until Lily reached up and wiped a tear away. Then she pulled his head down and kissed him and, _dear fucking Merlin_ , his entire body was on fire.

 

She pulled back after a moment and leaned her forehead against his, “We’re at war, I’m not any safer without you.”

 

“I know.”

 

She was silent for a few seconds. Then, so quietly that James almost missed it, “I’m scared that you’re going to do it again. I’m scared that you’re going to leave me: convince yourself you don’t love me or I’m better off without you or something. I don’t know if I can go through this again.”

 

James’ heart pounded against his ribs, as if it were trying to tell Lily _no, I wouldn’t let him survive this again._

 

James put his hands on both sides of her face and pulled back until her face was clear and looking up at his, “Lily, I am not leaving you. I couldn’t. I love you so much that it _hurts_ sometimes.”

 

Lily blinked at him, her eyes staring into his, and then she put her hands over his on her face and leaned in until their lips almost touched. “Prove it,” she said, and she kissed him again.

 

The coffee machine beeped, but James didn’t pay it any mind. He lifted Lily into his arms and, as she wrapped her legs around his waist and held on tight, he carried her into his bedroom.

 

 

 

“Lily,” James said, sometime later, running his fingers lightly up her bare back.

 

She shivered, draped over his chest, and hummed contently at him.

 

“Move in with me,” he said, looking down at her. He could have counted the eyelashes on her closed eyes from this distance if he wanted to.

 

She smiled into his chest, “Okay.”

 

James’ eyebrows flew up, “Really?” He’d expected a bit more pushback.

 

She opened her eyes and shifted her face on his chest to look up at him, “Yes, really. I practically lived here before.”

 

James grinned back at her and leaned up to press a kiss onto her forehead. She hummed happily again and closed her eyes, wrapping herself more tightly around him.

 

A few minutes later, James ran a hand through her hair and said again, “Lily?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Marry me.”

 

Her eyes flew open at this, and she lifted her head to stare at him, “ _What?_ ”

 

“Let’s get married.”

 

She studied his face. James thought she might be trying to see if he was joking, which he most definitely was not.

 

“You can’t ask me to marry you just because you’ve finally got me back in your bed, Potter,” Lily said, a smile on her lips.

 

It was James’ turn to say, “What?” as he looked at her incredulously. “You think I’m only asking because I’ve got you back?”

 

Lily tilted her head and shrugged.

 

James scoffed, and rolled to the side, out of her arms. “What are you doing?” she huffed.

 

He didn’t answer. He opened the drawer of the small table next to his side of the bed and stuck his hand in, rummaging around until it closed on a small, velvet box hidden in the back. He brought it out and rolled back over to Lily, flipping the box open with his thumb not unlike his father had done all those months ago.

 

“I’m not only asking because I’ve got you back,” he said as Lily stared, open-mouthed, at the elegant ring in his hand. “I’ve had it for a while. It was my mum’s. Before now, I thought you’d spout some nonsense about how we hadn’t been together long enough to get married, and I didn’t know if I was ready to fight you about it. I’m ready now. Strap in, Evans, because I’m about to disprove every single argument that you can come up with about why we shouldn’t –”

 

“Okay.”

 

If James hadn’t been looking at her face, he wouldn’t have believed that she said it.

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

“Okay,” Lily repeated. She leaned on her right elbow and reached up with her left hand to take the ring from the box. She put it on and then held her left hand out in front of her to see the effect.

 

“I – I think I was supposed to do that,” James said weakly.

 

Lily smiled, and looked away from her hand, “You can put on the wedding ring.”

 

James gaped at her, “You’re really going to marry me?”

 

Lily took the box from him, shut it, and tossed it down to the foot of the bed before sliding up to him until she could put both of her hands on his face. He could feel the cool band of metal on her left hand resting against his cheek, “Yes, really. I love you, you prat. I want all of the memories with you, the good ones and the bad ones and the in between ones, and I want them every day until I die.”

 

James heart, for the first time in two weeks, behaved itself. It knew that it was once more where it belonged. “Prove it,” he grinned, running a hand through her hair and holding it back off of her face.

 

“Set a date and I will,” Lily smirked at him for the span of a heartbeat and then James kissed her.

 

And, as she grinned into his mouth, James resolved to kiss her every single day until one of them died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in my head, nicer magical engagement rings have magic contained in them that lets them fit whoever they're passed down to perfectly. that way they can be passed like heirlooms without having to be resized every time. i wanted to put that in there, but it didn't really work/fit anywhere because james was more shocked she'd actually agreed to think about the logistics of ring sizing. BUT i just wanted to let you guys know because i'm obsessive about tiny plot holes sometimes.
> 
> oh, and sorry/not sorry for the cavity-inducing fluff at the end there, but i felt like they deserved it after what i put them through in this
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed this - i enjoyed writing it <3


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